Ok Mr Hans Asperger you can go now. No really the door is open and you have outstayed your welcome….

… I would like my son back please.You know, the handsome, kind funny little man who laughs at his sister’s antics and snuggles on mummy’s knee and enjoys it? The one who used to have more smiles than tears? who didn’t seem to know what stress was? I don’t want him to struggle anymore, he’s risen to your challenges but enough already. I don’t want to have to walk on eggshells anymore with my boy. I don’t want him to cling to me if we think of going for  a walk because he is scared of the ‘ dark places’ or scream if the sun is out or run into the road because we have to walk uphill not downhill. I want him to cuddle his sister when she cries rather than enjoying the sound and flapping his hands over his ears to increase the sensation and everybody looking like he is the strangest child on the planet. yes . I know I sound like the most selfish mother on the planet, but in fairness I rarely have any ‘ woe is me moments’ as I don’t have the bloody time- I just have to get on with it! Yes , I do understand what your saying, Hans. I know all the great things about him, I truly do and I love him with all my heart… you know how proud I am of him. Yes I know things could be worse… yes he doesn’t have a life threatening condition and some kids have it worse than J…. yes I do realise I should be grateful…. But it is not really ‘ why me’ syndrome Hans, I have to disagree with you there. It is  the ‘ Why my boy?’ He has already handled a speech disorder and struggled to make friends, to enjoy many things as he was so frustrated at not being understood. Now you’re telling me he is going to have to struggle again? why? what did my boy do to deserve this? I don’t want him to be the ‘ martian in the playground’ or be the one on computers when everyone else is playing in the sun, or struggle every  day with every little change that may come his way to the point he hurts himself with the stress. How can that be fair? my boy never harmed anyone, he’s even veggie for goodness sake…. he is too kind, too warm and too precious to deserve to suffer in any way. No it is NOT  irrelevant , it is very blinking, relevant thanks. You are not going anywhere then Hans? This ‘ Asperger’s is going to always be with my boy? Yes, I did think I knew that and was aware of it , but I guess it just hit me like a freight train and quite frankly i wish you’d beggar off.

Yesterday was awful, challenging, painful, draining and pretty much most other negative words I can think of. We all cried, I shouted ( sorry J… mummy rarely shouts:()  but your sister was really hurt by you. And it is approximately 8-9 weeks since we all became ( ok, myself and hubby) that J probably had Asperger’s syndrome. I thought I had  come to terms with it. yes I had that deep thud in my stomach when I realised and everything fell into place but I have been proactive… read books, gone to meetings, made visual timetables, held him when he has cried, kept calm when the ‘ red beast’ has come out, even made bloody Autism ribbon crochet charts!

But yesterday I think it truly hit me…. and I have never cried so much .. still am and I feel utterly stupid for feeling like this… but I have a physical pain in my chest like I have lost someone close to me. I know I haven’t and I know my J is still here, still my amazing little man. I think it stared in the library yesterday.. he was stimming and people looked and then there were 2 boys about J’s age  arguing and laughing about Ben 10 and I was bloody jealous of them.. I wanted my boy to be like them – carefree and laughing and talking with a friend. J was sat reading a ‘ junior Atlas at the time… ‘ oblivious to all around him and I just looked at him and felt such perfect love and perfect pain all at once.

I feel guilty as I think I am grieving for the boy I don’t have. yet I love my little J so much and I don’t want to feel like I am grieving… I thought I had dealt with this ASD thing… I guess not….

I even got into bed next to him last night , just to cuddle him without him pushing me away and just to enjoy being with him , next to him and at peace… seems most nights Mr Hans Asperger leaves the building… Just like Elvis… and I am bloody glad. I locked the door behind him too… just for a few hours…..

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Gary Sanders
    Aug 06, 2011 @ 22:37:41

    ((big hug))

    Reply

  2. highlanddream
    Aug 07, 2011 @ 17:16:32

    Thank you:)

    Reply

  3. syzygysue
    Aug 13, 2011 @ 19:03:57

    Hug from me too … I have had three daughters with ME and have felt the same heartache/love/anger on their behalf … and still do for the one that remains ill after 13y. Take care 🙂

    Reply

  4. highlanddream
    Aug 14, 2011 @ 07:41:04

    Many thanks for the hug Sue, I really appreciate it. The depth of emotions are overwhelming sometimes aren’t they? I send you a hug back and for your daughters:)

    Reply

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N.B. the title of this blog comes from my son’s very literal understanding of ‘ magic carpet ride’ ….. he believes this to be a ‘car pit’ ( as in ‘ sand pit’) and demonstrates this with a plastic lid and toy car. The magic comes in when the toy car is covered with the lid and it disappears!

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